- June 14th, 2010
Have any of you ever felt like your life is floating by on a grey cloud? No noise, no wind, nothing...? Or like you're floating on your back in a greyish black lake and you know that, any second, you're going to capsize and drown?
That's how I've been for the past month or two. I've been spending a lot of time alone recently, thinking about things I haven't been able to control in my life. My dreams and my visions have been clouded with darkness and dark things; all I can seem to see is bad things, terrible things, despair... I sometimes wonder why I am the way I am, seeing things the way I see them but not being able to do anything about them when my drawings leap off of the page into reality.
Everywhere around me is anger, sadness, tragedy... I just can't get away from it. Even in solitude, it's clinging to me like a bad odor. I'm starting to feel things on people that I don't want to feel; their hatred of one another, their less-savoury wants. I've been wondering if I'm going crazy. Or maybe if I just sound like some tragic record stuck on repeat. It's just... my visions upset me, even more so when I can't tell a dream from reality. I saw Serendipity burning to the ground in my dream. I saw the man behind those meaningless cards, though not his face, and that he's still out there and waiting for his moment. I saw Xion leaving. And a fire. I see a fire. But not the one at Serendipity. This one is far more furious and was caused by someone with a familiar energy; someone I've met before. Someone I know. But I couldn't see his face. I want to stop all of this from happening, but I have the power to see, not to change. I'm not strong enough for that.
I'm so sorry... I'm getting down in the dumps again! It's times like this I miss my papa... I wish he were still here, though I know he's happy that my mom has someone so nice in her life now. He's watching over us. I barely see my sister nowadays. It's sad because I miss her being around.
I don't have much else going on. I paint, I draw, I practice my violin, the cycle repeats. And I'm always wary of fire now.